Top 10 Cards For New Parents

Ah yes, the obligatory congratulations card for a new baby.

It can be hard to know what to say to a new parent who is setting out on this daunting, never-ending but ultimately rewarding adventure, especially if you’re not a parent yourself.

Parenthood can be stressful, especially with a new baby. When they’re not elbows-deep in mucky nappies and 2 am feeds, they’ll be in desperate need of some comic relief.

So, we’ve created a list of the funniest new born cards to send to those eager new parents. Remember fun?

1. It’s going to learn to swear – Funny new baby card

It's Going To Learn To Swear New Baby Card

And we’re going to teach it. Muahahaha. Also, LOVE the use of ‘it’ here. Not only are we avoiding mis-gendering your sprog, but we’re also showing flagrant disregard for learning ‘its’ name. Ha. Probably something stupid, anyway.

2. Squeezing a watermelon out

watermelon rude - new baby card

‘Cause the hole is your vagina and the melon is your baby’s head!

What better way to congratulate a new mother than by reminding them of the pain a trauma of childbirth? In all fairness, if that’s accurate… it is pretty impressive. I bet you tore from V to A!

Why are you getting upset? It’s nothing a few stitches can’t fix. Here, have a glass of wine, you’ve earned it.

3. Try not to make the same mistake again – Condom card

New Baby - Condom Card

This fantastic gag-card has aractical use! It features a REAL condom! Because who the hell would pro-create intentionally, right? Perfect if you’re the ‘kinda-joking-but-not-really’ friend, which we all are, deep down.

4. 9 Months Sober – Funny new parent card

9 months sober - funny new parent card

Providing they took the doctor’s advice and abstained from alcohol for 9 months, this is a fun, tongue-in-cheek greeting card to send your newly responsible friend.

I they didn’t… well, as long as the baby is healthy and doing fine.

I’m no grass.

5. Yay a gorgeous baby – Unique new baby card

Yay a gorgeous baby - unique new baby card

Now your new-parent friends can act morally superior in public by wielding this badge of honour displaying the fact that they are tired due to their own life choices.

Remember this lady? Now your friend doesn’t need to become a viral sensation in order to bully her way to the front of the Starbucks queue! Hurrah!

6. Bottoms Up – Humorous new parent card

Bottoms up - funny new parent card

Haha! Remember fun?

Remember going out drinking and not having to pay for a babysitter/limit yourself to two drinks because of your screeching, 4 am wake-up call?

They didn’t have a card that said ‘Congrats on the new baby, guess that’s it for hanging out’ so I got you this instead.

Don’t worry! It’s only for 18 years… ish.

7. Some babies are proper ugly – Rude new baby card



Who said ,“comparison is the thief of joy?” Oh right, Theodore Roosevelt. Well ,that was 27K well spent.

It’s a fact that most crotch-goblins plop out looking like wrinkly, undercooked sausages. But some aren’t that bad. Not theirs, anyway.

If you can’t quite bring yourself to compliment your friend’s new baby, meet them halfway with this sassy offering.

8. Have fun with that – Funny greetings card

have fun with that - funny baby card

But wait! There’s more! If icky, green baby diarrhoea isn’t their thing, don’t worry. There will be a whole host of bodily fluids for your friend to deal with from their ‘bundle of joy’ .

This upbeat card features one of the most prevalent – baby spew.


9. Condolences to your vagina – Rude new parent card

condolences to your vagina - funny card for new parents

And as if they don’t have enough to worry about with a new baby – let’s remind them of the wreckage and devastation left behind by their bundle of joy – because that’s what friends do.

Sex will be off the cards for at least three months, you tell them. What? It’s not like you have time for it now, anyway.

But when you do manage to snag a 10-minute-silent-stander-upper in the garage, remember to use that condom I gave you.

No, I can’t babysit.

10. Shit got real – Rude new baby card

shit got real - rude new baby card

And by ‘shit’ I mean literal shit. Literal shit that you’ll be cleaning up for their arse, up their back, on your table… pretty much everywhere, really.

Good luck, loser.

As always, a funny top 10. Don’t you think?

Needing some inspo for what to write inside the card for the new parents?

We’ve got you covered…

Here are 14 lovely quotes you could inclulde

“Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.

A toast to the bun in your oven!

Just remember: parenting without a sense of humour is like an accountant who sucks at math.

Can’t wait to welcome your new tiny Overlord!

You’re a parent. It’s your circus and those are your monkeys.

To the Mom most likely to teach neighbourhood kids how to swear.

Congrats… you now live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.

Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is.

The stork was like the first drone delivery. But, oh what a package you were delivered. Congrats.

Welcome to parenthood where going to the grocery store by yourself is now considered a vacation.

Hitting the bottle is going to take on a whole new meaning.

Parenthood is one of the best journeys in life. Buckle up and enjoy the ride.

We looked up “amazing parents” on Wikipedia, and your photos popped up. Congrats and have fun with your new delivery.” – Anonymous


 “Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

 “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” – Anonymous

 “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” – Benjamin Spock

 “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” ― James Baldwin

 “Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.” – Phyllis Diller

 “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

 “To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.” ― Barbara Johnson

 “Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” – Eat Pray Love

 “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” ― Dorothy Parker

 “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

 “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” – Ed Asner

 “It’s impossible to protect your kids against disappointment in life.” ― Nicholas Sparks



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