9 Cards For The Sassiest People
Everyone has that sassy friend in their friendship group. Maybe it’s you.
If it is, you probably struggle with soppy Hallmark sentiments on birthdays, valentines and christenings.
If this rings true for you, don’t despair… there is an alternative.
We’ve compiled a list of the sassiest, funniest greeting cards for every occasion available on the web to get them cackling.
1. Stuck in your beard – Rude Greeting card
Beards a trendy these days, aren’t they? Beard oils, beard combs, beard shampoo… At the very least, they’re a great way to hide half of your face and crappy taste in IPA’s. If there’s a beardy man in your life you want to humble, send him this.
2. Just Kidding – Sassy Leaving card
It always feels obligatory to get someone a leaving card. Even if you don’t like them that much.
Generally speaking, a card will go around the office. You’ll write your name a struggle to come up with a funny little quip for them to remember you by, which is harder than it sounds because the card is for shifty Dave – and no one really likes shifty Dave.
Which is all the more reason to get them this cheeky little sentiment! It looks like a joke (but you know it really isn’t).
You can present it with glee and watch Dave chuckle uncomfortably as he reads your message:
“yeah… Fuck off, crab eyes.”
3. Your fanny must be proper smashed up – Rude new baby card
If your friends have started spitting out crotch-goblins left, right and centre and traditional ‘congratulations!’ cards are a bit too twee for you, allow us to provide a solution.
I mean, it still says ‘well done on the baby’, what more do they want?
4. Totally pee on you – Funny greetings card
Ah, could forget the one with the jellyfish?
That brief moment in time when Friends managed to convince us that peeing on someone who had been stung by a jellyfish was not only helpful but somewhat romantic?
Turns out, that’s a load of cobblers.
As for the romance part… whatever you’re into, I guess. I’m not here to kink-shame.
5. Forty and still a cunt – Really rude 40th Birthday card
Some people grow out of their juvenile behaviour. Others don’t. Sure, they’ve made it to forty. They can probably boast numerous achievements, both personal and professional. But that doesn’t mean you’re not going to send them a rude card telling them they’re still a cunt.
6. Bag of dicks – Sassy card
This card is a sassy multi-tasker. It could be used for valentines, birthdays, or alternatively – for anyone you’ve seen naked that you want to make feel bad.
We can’t guarantee this will end well, but it should be good for a giggle.
7. Adulting all over the place – Funny card
Adulting (V): To carry out one or more of the duties and responsibilities expected of fully developed individuals (paying off that credit card debt, settling beef without blasting social media, etc). Exclusively used by those who adult less than 50% of the time.
So, your friend submitted their PhD thesis, maybe got a new job or simply passed their driving test (5th time). Congratulate them the Millennial way with this fun greeting card. Because nothing says ‘well done’ like buying them a thoughtful card, writing it out, and actually POSTING IT to them. In an actual post-box. With an actual stamp.
See, I can be organized too, bitch.
8. If you were milk – Sassy card
It is a widely acknowledged fact that some people age like a good wine; Meryl Streep, Leo DiCaprisun, George Clooney etc.
However, Some age like spoiled milk. And we both know your friend is maturing like a six-year-old egg salad.
Let them know it might be time to invest in a good moisturiser – or maybe even Botox, depending on the severity of the situation – with this cheeky offering.
9. You found me – Funny Greetings card
Being the ‘sassy’ friend you presumably are, you’d never miss the chance to make your friends cause for celebration all about you. Besides, what would be the point of celebrating if they didn’t have you to celebrate with?!
God knows you’re the only reason they got this far in the first place – providing them with comic relief and a shoulder to cry on. You’re such a good friend.
Could you feel the sass with that funny selection?
Here’s some inspiration for what to write inside your cards, from the Sass gods themselves
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn’t come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you’re young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you’re not a millionaire,
And can’t put your looks on hold.
–The Message Guy’
People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. – Doug Larson
There’s nothing to match curling up with a good book when there’s a repair job to be done around the house. – Joe Ryan
May your home always be too small to hold all of your friends. – Author Unknown
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!
Walking with your chest out and head held high says you have earned the right to stomp and pummel this particular piece of real estate. – RuPaul
You’re Salesperson of the Year
We think you’re very nice
With big boobs and short skirts
We call you Slapper Spice
You’re great at getting lots of sales
You must earn a packet
But because you always witter on
We call you Hinge… or Bracket
You’re always groomed immaculate
A successful client builder
But you turned up once with a curler in
That’s why we call you Hilda
Hubby David calls you Darling
Young Laura calls you Mother
Your clients call you often
They won’t speak to any other
You laugh and dance real dirty
But at sales you’ve got the knack
We’re dead jealous of your sales success
So we call you… behind your back
It’s not true Mary… we love you
Please take this in fun and jest
You deserve success, and we’re rooting for you
We wish you all the best